I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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