My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Is it because I queefed?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
