He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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