Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
