Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Randomize
