Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
