a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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