I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
