just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
