Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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