What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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