loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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