life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
