you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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