The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
