you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
