They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
