I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
