dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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