Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
