I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Semen is not good for contacts.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
