it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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