it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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