so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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