i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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