I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
