i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
