Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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