she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
