I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
