I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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