the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
