i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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