I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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