So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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