If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
we made out on top of his cat.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
