"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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