apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
