when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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