I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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