I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
This is the high leading the old right now
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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