I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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