i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
