I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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