Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
