so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
