trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
