you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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