Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
