I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
